Well definitely time for a change. No more not stressing the little stuff, cause its the little things that I overlook are what’s killing me. Time to sit down and think about every little flaw I have, and trust me there are a lot, I should have realized it a long time ago, maybe I would be better and rid of it by now, but I’m not. It’s really bad that all her friends don’t know why she puts up with it and why she hasn’t left yet, I’ve never cared about anyone so much that I’m trying to make a 360 and change my life for the better. Maybe it’s just time to relax and do me. Let her have her time and me focus on what’s important in mine that needs tuning up like baseball and completely changed and fixed like… Every other freaking thing. I’m not pissed, just extremely upset, my heartbeat only races for parts of times, but it hasn’t stopped for the last couple hours. I just really don’t know. How can you turn off a switch that seems to be always left on, that’s the question I need to sit down, break those rusty locks and turn the switch to off where it belongs, I need to stop worrying and know that guys respect that she has a boyfriend and just want to be friends, not every guy is trying to get in her pants, and the ones that do will get shot down because she would never do anything. That is the first thought I need to always pop in my head. Nobody wants her the way I want her, people just want to be friends and keep it that way. And if one does want more then I’ll handle it accordingly and quit putting so much god damn pressure on her about it. I wish I could just say all this to her and not have to use a medium to get all my thoughts through, I don’t know. It seems as if I put fingers to keyboard and I can speak my whole mind. Alicia, whenever you read this. I love you to death, and I’m gonna change, just please keep holding on and never let our love go. I’ll change… I’ll change.
Tumblr tumblr tumblr. I need to let things out again :/.
Basically I am fucked up in the head :/ I over exaggerate stupid shit that doesn’t need exaggerating, I have trust issues that need changing, it’s just hard, I know I trust her and nothing will happen, but I can’t tell myself to stop worrying. It’s so hard and confusing on what to do, I’m telling myself to stop, and I do good until some stupid little thing in my head tells me to question and question like I don’t trust her when I really do, I think about it after and know its stupid and ridiculous and know that I trust her, I need to start thinking things through before I open my big mouth. I love her to death and I know if I don’t make a change and put forth the effort it will not change, so tumblr. Here is me letting it out and saying I need to change, I’m gonna think things through and prove to her that I can trust her and nothing is ever going to happen. Because I do.
I over worry and over protect on things that I don’t need to worry, I need to tell myself that she can have both girl and guy friends with no worries, because she can trust me with no extent which is how I need to be. I know nothing will happen and if guys try anything she will shoot them down. She hates me when I get this way and the biggest thing is that I hate me when I am like this. I’m gonna change. And I want you tumblr to be the first thing to know my effort. I’m not telling anyone. I just want to change and rather than just say and pray she believes, I’ll make the effort and she will see it, I want her in the end more than anything I have ever wanted.
Thanks for listening to my rant tumblr :). I love you. I’m glad I have something I can let this all out to and see that I’m making an effort and have it as a constant reminder.
Hey tumblr. I know I don’t do this much, but I have a lot on my plate right now and needed something to express my feelings through.
Well first and foremost, my life is most likely down the shitter, not because of relationship problems that I caused, or because my whole life is just my girlfriend. Don’t get me wrong, she is my everything, the number one woman in my life, I love her more than anything, the issue with my life is I’m irresponsible, I’ve known it for a long time now, but I have never been able to grow the balls and man up to the fact that I am fucking my whole life up.. I’ve never really sat down and pushed myself. I’m too busy trying to make everyone else happy, or putting everything else in front of what the important things in life are. I think it’s time that I focus on me until I feel stable enough to work on everything else. It’s going to be hard I’m not going to lie, but I’m going to do it for me and hope everyone in my life will notice it.
On another note, baseball is going really well, pitching is working beautifully, but I haven’t ever told anyone this, and I’m glad I only have one or two followers, but my arm is done.. I have no stamina anymore, I always feel out of breath, and I need to start working out hard again, and set up some workouts. Being irresponsible again, dont you hate when you don’t realize how bad you are at something until you really sit down and think about it?!?!.
Anyway, the main point I wanted to hit with this is that, I’m finding myself lost and confused on how to feel, Alicia Raquel Vega is my pride and joy, the love of my life, and what I hope to someday make my wife, I feel as if I’m doing nothing but let her down lately, and I just feel horrible, I keep screwing up, I want to change and be that man for her, I’m just afraid I broke all the trust from her you know? It makes me wonder if I still drive her crazy like I once did, I love her to death, and I would do whatever it takes. She is making me a better person, I feel comfortable and know my life is gonna work out because I have her, she is pointing out my flaws as a person and they are getting dramatically better. I envy her because of how perfect she is, and I kill myself every time that I make her upset because I couldnt imagine life without her helping me with it. She is my role model, and I look to her for direction.
Okay tumblr well that was all, I’m gonna go lay in thought and try not to lose more sleep, I’m gonna wake up and start to change my life for the better :)
